Wow, it's been a while!

Hello! Sorry to have made you all wait for so long for a post. Mommyhood and finishing law school are quite a time suck! There are a few things I want to accomplish with this post the first being that I'd like to get the birth story down, while I can remember most of the details.

At my 41 week check up, my midwife did her usual things and told me that I was still not dilated and that Connor was still at -2 station. I took one look at Ry and, as we discussed I asked if I could be induced, explaining that I had law school finals coming up and I was so tired and swollen and bloated from being pregnant that I was ready. My midwife explained that usually they wait until 42 weeks to induce unless someone requested it earlier than that. She said it was no problem and called the hospital and the other midwife on call. I wasn't expecting to be induced that night, but they had space available so they scheduled me to check in at 7:00pm. Ry and I went home and packed some last minute things into my hospital bag, called K to come up and look after the dogs and we were off. We checked in and at about 8:00pm The on-call midwife, J, came in and explained what they were going to do, firt they were going to put in some cervadil to "ripen" and soften my cervix, and they they were going to give me some prostoglandin (sp?) to put me into labor. J explained that every once in a while cervadil will put a woman into labor, but it rarely happens with new mothers. So she put in the cervadil at about 8:15 and it was to be left in for 12 hours. RY and I chatted and talked about how nervous we were to become parents. The nurses and I told him to go get a stiff drink somewhere, he checked the convenience store across the way to see if they had some beer, but had no luck. When he came back we chatted some more, I got a shot to help me sleep around eleven thirty and then we went to sleep.

At about 3:00am, I woke up and felt a little funny. I kept having this aching pressure that would come and go and it was pretty intense. So I started breathing through it and timing myself. One minute long and about four minutes apart. I was in labor. I didn't want to wake Ry until it got a little more intense so I stayed in bed and kept timing things. The night nurse came in and asked if I was on my cell phone (which is not allowed in the labor & delivery rooms), I told her no, I was timing myself because I thought I was in labor. She smiled, and I think didn't really believe me until I had a contraction right in front of her and then we woke Ry and she went to get J. J checked on me and said that yes I was having contractions and hooked me up to a contraction/heart rate monitor, and things got into gear. RYan was great, he held my hand and reminded me to count and breathe through each contraction. J kept monitoring me, and Connor's heart rate, she kept me on the monitor because she didn't really like what his heart was doing the heartbeat wasn;t reading the way she wanted it to, so she gave me some juice to see if she could perk him up. It worked for a bit and then it went right back to what it was doing. At about 6:00am the contractions were a minute long and only a minute apart and I asked if I could go into the jacuzzi tub. My nurse and midwife got the tub ready and Ry helped me to it. He sat next to me and held my hand when he could (when I could) and talked to me and reassured me...at some point I looked at Ryan and told him I didn't think I could handle it anymore. I was so tired, I hadn't gotten any sleep that night and the night before I had barely slept. I was crying a little at the end of each contraction, I told Ry I felt like I wanted an epidural, but that I felt guilty about it. I had so wanted a natural labor, but I was just too overwhelmed. Ry reassured me and reminded me that it is ok to have an epidural and that if I wanted one and felt like I couldn't handle anymore, then I should get one. SO I talked to J about it and she kept telling me I was doing so well without and to keep thinking about it. it kind of made me feel worse, but then there was a shift change and Midwife P came on...Ry and I talked about it again, between contractions and told P I wanted an epidural. She said fine and I got out of the tub. They still had me on the monitor and did not like what was going on with Connor's heart rate. P checked me too see where I was for dilation and she said I was at about 5 1/2cm, but then my water broke and I was only at 4cm ("but a stretchy 4"). P also did not like what was going on with Connor;s heart rate. It was dipping after each contraction instead of during each contraction and it was concerning them.

So finally the anesthesiologist came down to do the epidural, while he was doing that some nurses came in to do my blood. He was working on my back and this nurse came in and she jabbed my arm, removed the needle part way jabbed it in again and moved it around, meanwhile I'm balling, it was painful what she was doing to my arm and he was hurting me in my back, I was weeping uncontrollably. The nurse working on my arm gave a nasty sigh and said "I can;t get it from her" and looked at the nurse holding me still for the epidural. My nurse told her to come back in about 20 minutes, after the epidural was done. The doc finished up, but not before I had more jabbing in the back and felt blood running down my back. RY kept trying to get me to visualize the grand canyon and our vacation in AZ, but I asked him to stop, I'm not a visualization type person, and I fear I was a little short with him, but Ry was a trooper and took it fine. The doc hooked me up to an automated machine to regulate my epidural and was off. It was sweet sweet relief and I really wanted to take a nap, but P kept talking to me about Connor's heart rate, and then after about a half hour or forty-five minutes I mentioned that I could feel a pinch when I was having a contraction, then after a little bit I could feel a little cramp. Right around that time she called the anesthesiologist to come down and give me a little button to deliver more meds if I was uncomfortable, so another doc came down and did that. After that P had talked with the OB and they decided that due to my lack of progression with dilation and Connor's heart rate, I should have a c-section. They talked and explained to both of us and Ry and I said we would do whatever was best for Connor. Our focus was on our ultimate goal of having a healthy baby. So we agreed to a C-section. Those pinches and cramps I mentioned earlier? It became full-blown labor contractions. I kept pressing that little button that was installed, but ti wasn't working. P kept calling for an Anesthesiologist to fix it, but since we were going into the OR, no one was really in a rush to fix it. BY the time they wheeled me into the OR I was shaking with contractions and felt like I needed to push. When I got in the new Anesthesiologist checked the machine I was hooked up to for the epidural and it turns out it was broken and not delivering any medicine, that why I could feel the contractions again. Anyway he administered the c-section meds and numbed me from the chest down, they set up the sheets around me and the Ryan came in. He sat with me and held my hand and then P told him to come see Connor being delivered. the moment I heard his little wail, I started crying. i remember thinking "How is the Doctor going to stitch me up? I'm shaking so hard with my crying!" Finally, after he was weighed and cleaned I got to see him. It was the best moment of my life. (I mean aside from marrying Ry, obviously)

It took me about four weeks to come to terms with the fact that I'd had major surgery. Ryan, my mom, my MIL, everyone kept telling me that, but I just could not get it through my head. I was a little sad that things didn't go the way I'd wanted. i wanted a natural and normal childbirth, but I'd caved and had an epidural and then had to have a C-section. One of my midwives, R, told me that it was natural to grieve a little for having that option of childbirth taken away from me by having to have a c-section. In all though, I recognize the fact that I got exactly what I wanted a happy, healthy, beautiful baby boy. I couldn't be happier.