Tuesday, March 11, 2008
"Smelly cat, smelly caaat what are they feeding you?" ~Phoebe
I work with a person who smells. Bad. Really bad. Lest you think I am a small and petty person, let me say this: This is no ordinary b.o. It does not smell like sweat. I have lived in hot and sweaty states and been around my fair share of sweaty people. That is not this odor. This odor is acrid, it stings the back of my throat when I breathe it in. It is almost as though this person keeps the litter box in the closet with the clothes. The problem with this theory is that GP does not own a cat. I asked. No cat because of allergies. So where is this odor coming from? I cannot look this person in the eye and say “You know something, GP? You smell. I mean really, really smell bad. What’s going on? Are you ill?” I cannot say this anymore than you can look someone in the eye and say “Why yes you are quite unattractive. People do care, and it’ll probably be harder for you to be hired as say, a model, but not to worry I’m sure you’ll find love. There are plenty of other unattractive people out there, and if that fails your mother will always love you.” Um, no. That cannot be said, it can be thought, but never said. The odor ebbs and flows, today it flowed. It flowed right over to my cubicle, if it hadn’t been so chilly out, I’d have opened my window. However it was chilly and I was stuck, stuck with this odor choking me, stinging my eyes. Thinking about it now I can taste the odor in the back of my throat. It is truly an awful smell. I deduced today with the help of a co-worker, that it is a very bad case of Vinegar Foot. Feet that smell so bad it is like leaning over a vat of vinegar and breathing it in. That is the acrid odor. (That, by the way is what comes of buying cheap “leather” shoes.) Now my problem is that GP keeps a spare set of shoes at work. So, I ask you, how can I sneak into GP’s cube and spray down the spare set, wrestle the regular set off GP’s feet and spray those down all without GP’s knowledge? Horse tranquilizers? Tranquilizer darts? A quick bonk to the head? Let me know.